New Lease of Life

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goodbye this season of gnashing...

April Showers

It was raining, like endless persistent snow on a mid winter day. The hum that left the clothes dry left a vaccum in the air. Sunday has now become a dreadful inhibition of sorts. There is so much to fix in this room but the inertia is just full of it. Least I have some idea where goes what. This last day marks the end of a summer travail. This foot forward shall prosper me oh my soul.

How do you do it?

It's becoming clearer. Like tonight when I ducked out for a bit of cynical indulgence. Meeting a fresh new approach. What can feel so right can sometimes be so wrong. Yet that song playing in the background was reminiscing of the bad rap of the end last autumn. So romantic, yet still so distant. This time round. Ah yes, the sound of breaking up.

It was like a goodbye. A good morning welcome to your new set. New TV set. I closed my eyes through the whole episode, just enjoying the ride, the tenderness, the kinship of sorts, the smell of rain on the shoulders of another. Yet I sobbed inside, my vision blurred amid the low light of the evening. It's a shame, really. Set your tears just like mine, we'll make them sterile.

Sarah & E-Gene married, gone, flown departed from this house. Shawn bemoaned the loss. I, didn't know how to deal with the empty house drowned myself in some drugs to forget the forgotten chores. Rolling on, we all have to move on. Dynamics changed so much and I am left with the stone cold bread I bought for them last year. Somehow I have to and am learning to fall in love with the now one entity. Sazegee. I dropped them off at the airport, soaked in some kind of family bliss, distracted by the moments of now and missed the departing episode. So I said goodbye with my chocolate cake and lukewarm latte.

Found a needle in the headbang and freaked on a leash. Sometimes it's still too hard to confront.

Fi-Fy-Fo-the-afterthot

He invited me over to his abode. Today. In the beautiful afternoon eastern suburbs. Among winding hidden confusing houses and hilly billy sillies. English breakfast over a financial statement poured over sticking up for the grunt that took me off the edge. The lid came off.

"So what took you here?" Wisdom is actually a very simple thing.

I couldn't answer. I had blocked out the pressure points, many many of them some so red and bloody it stung me eyes the other night. Like a shadow of certainty, some light shone into a dark closet removing something lodged inside the iris. The doctor took out the tonsils that had overgrown and it is only the beginning.

I am grateful. For connectedness. For love. I deserve to give to the universe what I deserve to believe to receive.

I looked at the hundred step fold laid before me and took my first dive today. It was cold at first. Confronting to say the very least. Uncomfortable as it was I stood up for myself. Insisted. Resisted. Expected. I did not beg. I was firm. I was open. I was sticking up for me. Like a true man.

I feel good about me now. I feel in control, just that little bit. Even though a new sharp pain on my shoulder blade started to act up.

Tomorrow there's step two to take. I am trusting in the universal truth set outside the tone of biblical allusions. FiFyFo. Trust, I am learning you again.

Deluge (bang me till there's no tomorrow)

The aftermath afterthought hit the wall and shit fell over the fan roof top. Some sniggering swagger overlooked the matter and the latter fed on its somewhat uglier fodder. Woo not the fighters that lived like a splendid dud choosing to milk off the buns of a woman's fair chamber prayer.

I'm taking off from this present life and danger of droning into an oblivious format unreadable by any storyteller. Fake watches flushed down the toilet bowl this is who I am angry and ballistic like a missile. i will scare you for I fret you not for I don;t really wanna think about what you think of me. I just need to dive outside for such a time as this to overcome the demons that scream in my head while i go unheard unwillingly scurrying off the neighbours who are freaked out by this look of love.

Feed me this story of old and the medication like drip poison on my headbanger speaker system. Time waits in the ache of a man's disaster that wakes when you break and laughs when you are afraid. The neck will be broken once the sloth falls prey to the uglier fodder that overtook the matter. Imosition of the fourth kind just lands on a rape victim job seeking to find solace ina cold coal chamber they are so deluded. It's up to me now to dribble and divert and dwarf you if I need to. Hold on a minute for you have no eyes to see me when i do my big wake up morning stunt and i will rule over you bastards and snippets of drunkardness.

All right all night is the way to heaven my soul will be borrowed for your amusement during the advertisement. All night all fondle no fickle mind can draw a win in this passing moment in time. Praise be to that old truck bashed into the walls of a brilliant army base. I am sorry mum and dads and aunties who loved this sparrow I got hit by a swimming shark today and i got shot down no bail out. I will not go give up and find myself in this pool of arguing debatable beggar. Freedom kingdom slocum chosen shot'em got'em.

Dark is the hour that passes like a star storm troop overrated under creation.

i am sorry I am not as appointing as you want me to be for my situation and birth zone are completely different from yours and I don't really want to see the spoon anymore. Dingle dangle says the bojangle fangle. Far from removed does the trick so be it. Maids of honor and grooms of power. Organise a shootout that takes a selfish opponent to his knees. Far from it I am much too moral for this sort of murder but i would fall on my knees and suck my pride off the ground if pennies be me to keep. How abject and lowdown can you get. So I'll seel my flesh and stink for a while. Skin deep is just nothingness and pride is but an illusive piece of fear that hovers over your bed like a foreshadowing omen about to be prophetically dumbed down. Fuck your package and streamers of happy merry go rounds. I have been your fool for so long drink up and get lost.

When my screams go unheard, it's time to do something that will scare the lovely doves away. Pringle tingle mangle the spangler's dongle hanging off his anal fondle.

I'm not ok

It's probably the weather, so they say. Of flu bugs and cough drops. But the days' been great. Plenty of sunshine to feed an entire greenhouse nation and plenty of smiles to bring you past the death toll of this easter summer daylight savings demise.

So say, this is the brink of it all. And I am constantly pushed, nudged. Hell, I do it to me too, so why am I alluding as such? The edge is coming close and I for one have vertigo. It's a growth that came with the birth package.

I stood in the congregation today wondering what the fuss was all about. What really is this all about? Yes, there goes the model answers of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness... my goodness, I really don't get it. Everyone had a silver spoon hanging from their earlobes and I cannot help but feel alienated. Yet, there was a homeless man recently salvaged raising his hands in praise to the music that was just simply inviting and advocating.

Does it make you weak? Does it make you strong? Strong enough to go be someone great? I wish some kind of calamity, just once in your life, just to give you the taste of fire and see if it burns you. I feel masochistic, yes. Does anyone want to switch trains? Mine's charging at 11,000 miles a second. No time to blink or think of. So brushing off was the best medication. Funny this is one of those last days of your life and you haven't even decided what you want for your final meal. But as they say only cowards do. So there I go trying to look good in front of you again. Should I really care? This gift given from a toddler's hand messed up with the sexual incognitos of discipline and banished vineyards. I try to be a good boy to avoid the pain but pain seems to give the pleasure you would die for some girl next door. Which explains the threshold therein. I feel like, actually I don't to fucking feel anything. It's shit loads of arguments played back in my mind for nights and days and I need to let it out on someone. And I just horned on some stupid woman who would not look to give way. I guess I'm still blaming that one girl who thought she took my heart away. She took more than that and I seem to be spending my whole lifetime which is this year past trying to find my feet and shoes to wear them to go out and function like a good responsible father, child, man with testosterone should. Yes, I blame you for everything even if it makes me look like a childish kid running around the block.

Maybe you should stop reading this rant right now because this honesty is too much, don't you think? What should I do? What choices have I got? I'm still gritting my teeth even though the tide has turned and the next geeneration is taking over. I feel shelved and even crushed within to go after anyone out of sheer desperation for love. No man nor woman nor animal seems to satisfy. Even that has a price to feed and I am struggling to feed me now.

I respect only the stories that go past the boundaries of neat packages, histories, cultures. Don't talk to me about purpose for this is so over the hill and I am going mad by the minute. I just hope I don't implode inside. For when that happens, you won't be reading this kind of writing. Lord have mercy and grace.

Route to Boston

This is not a holiday spree. No, nor one of those relocations. I've spent a good part of my lifetime culling the lifeblood out of uprooting, migrating and all that leaver jazz. It's pain right now even as I speak.

I came home with a sense of tenacity and drive. It was shortlived. My gas ran out in a matter of days shortly after the demise. I guess I'm still hung over from the sad love story. Any desire to kill and murder would serve no sentence to this abyss of depression, yet the thought is still so strong. I seek no longer to understand but to be alleviated from this curse I seem to have stumbled upon. Why won't they leave me alone and have me run away to this desert island I am now in? People. Don't you just love and hate them all the same?

I dug deep beneath my breast pockets to find the same tears that left the shores of the sunny garden state still crystalized in form. Do I now go selfishly or listen to the wise sage? Do I seek my pure goals or serve the ones who brought me up? Or do I have to choose at all? Money does solve alot of things and give you time to slow down and breathe. If you haven't had them, how do you know what the other side of the coin really is? So please don't preach me textbook wisdom. For the inception of which comes across as naive folly. Stop me not in my path to the sunset. Cut me not as a poppy growing tall. My pounch grew so fast it seems you have something to do with it. And may I add how I sometimes hate you and not the deed.

If I spoke french and had a different colour, I wonder how different I would be? Not much except a more beautiful conception of suicidal notes bound into a best selling novel. All because white is so much pleasing than an undecided yellow banana. At the least of it, there would be some legacy left after the departure. But even then, would I take it? I tell you this much. It is very tempting.

Some things don't have choices, so don't go there. Seems like I got myself lost in all this silly rubbish.

Whatever you do, don't let the music die in me. For that day comes with a package of gnashing and grinding and how I dread it in my sleepless nights. Let me go to Boston and free my slaves. Keep the wolves from stealing my dreams of salvation. Just stop the fucking questions.

cjt