More movement

Had many hours to think things through this day. Funny how when you work a day job, you seem to have a lot more headspace to think things through.

Realised that the love magnitude was of a selfish one. It was self serving in all honesty to me. I seem to be an object of giving, constantly to a face that writes, "What about me?" - all the time. It's the same look that turns me completely off. Something that I don't quite know how to deal with.

Question is, how could someone love rightly so but in actuality be in want of being fed the self serving needs? How does it add up to a love that gives and grows with you through the years? As much as I want to believe it was a move of the spirit, therein lies a deep motivation of the flesh.

I woke up with a steely attitude to seize the day. Actually for the first time in my new job, I actually arrived on time. They say a man changes after a heart attack. I guess this is my crisis aftermath.

Thing is, I never want to see that person again. Ever. If I could erase that out of my mind completely, I would. But I guess I won't cos I need those memories and that one last Sunday afternoon out in the woods to remind me why I have made the decision to never turn back.

Is this me reinventing myself again? No, actually, I am reinventing myself for the first time. That last attempt kinda fell prey to my old habits. This time round, the reinvention will be a lot more deliberate. A lot more complete. So I won't be recognized ever again. This is what the push led me to. How ironic.

j.t.