Live & Active Depression

This depression is heavy. So many parallel unfortunate situations are going on at the same time. Some of them permanent scars that will turn into a malign tumor. In 10 years I will be 39. By that time, the effect of our stubborn youth will take shape. Some of them fading away like the dying of the tide. Sometimes, our choices shorten our journey. Is it worth it? For a moment of pleasure; half a lifetime of pain, leaving the ones we love to mourn for the loss. Stories that will never be told, movies that would never be made, songs that will never be sung. Is it worth it?

I promised to laugh at the grave. Now that reality is making it hard to even get some sleep. The quiet of the night, the lifeless ship lights and the wanning lighthouse beacon are now companions to my new found anxiety. Today, it occured to me that I have lost many things; many friends to the war. I hate evil, yet it embraces me when I am low on love. It took away too many dear ones. Some days it feels like I should join them since I can't beat them. But it's not even about beating them. Choices. The one precious gift, like the ring Gollum coveted, a plague of humankind, a gift making angels jealous.

There is a rope around my neck and it's pulling me out to sea. Out to a deep sleep to never wake. Lord, help me make sense of it all. Forgive me the trespasses and grace I pulled. Show me what in the world is going on.

j.t.

Public Announcement

To my only blog fan, sorry to have disappointed you tonight. I have been slack. But, it's cold out there and I was hungry and there was the washing to be done, blah blah blah =( .......... So, sorry, please forgive me. You know I am dealing with stuff and I am glad you are my bestest friend on earth right now, right next to God.

*blink*blink*

sowwy... *pout*

Same Sinking Feeling

It's the dejavu feeling. Three years ago, that same feeling got smacked into me again. The nightmares seem to unfold with the first sign of refusal. There's so much more costs involved. It is sickening my heart. I try not to tihnk about it too much, even not at all but it's a fierce battle inside. Paralysis of analysis is what it is. I get paralysed quickly in my chair just thinking about the whole damn issue. Why does this happen time and time again? It fucks up the whole progress and I am only praying ernestly for intervention.

But there's still that money and where do I get it from? Bridges have been burnt, so what now my Lord?

j.t.

Channels

One thing's for sure. Those who teach the art of making music, or reproducing thereof, have a very delicate and significant task. Probably bigger in a spiritual dimension.

I am keen to believe that the educator is in fact a mentor shaping the talented clay into a beautiful piece of art. And along with that comes the shaping of values; growing, entrenching within by modelling and mimicking. Think about it. It is a powerful channel to reach within the human soul - the human artist out to perfect the form to the best of his abilities. Imagine the influence you have on that young one and the multiplication effect thereafter.

Get excited and move in strategic steps. Like the emperor's new clothes, only the ones who see will see.

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for" - Bono, U2.

j.t.

Panic Room

Made up my mind not to ever panic. Cos that feeling of anxiety sucks. Who wants it anyway? Not me. It is taking a while for one key document to arrive for my lawful state. I am only 3 days away and there's still no shadow in the mail. Still I believe things will work out. Cos I believe and in my heart I know that this is the place to be. So much good have come out of this place, surely this is not a detour sign. So keep going, mate.

When you start to take a keen interest in other people, you will attract people who are looking for you. It ain't some hocus pocus spooky magnetic telepathetic thing. We are body, mind, soul and that makes up the whole spirit of us. Our energy creates channels and open doors for others to walk through. The way we behave, carry ourselves is so important cos whether you like it or not, the visual is the first impression and sometimes that's all you have. Typically that's a 4 second rule. How much can you do in that 4 seconds? Not much. It is the way we live, our belief system and self image that comes across during that brief flash. Yup, it all comes down to the ground work we are doing within ourselves.

Probably this is sounding like heresy and bordering on paganistic self glorification. If you seriously made that conclusion then you are probably more naive than you think you are. God's sovereignty sometimes allows biblical principles and teachings to be transferrable truths to camps outside the church walls. Sometimes, even as far as to the astrological startosphere of angels and devils. I hold a firm belief that God allows for these to open doors for His spiritual intervention. Because, you know, some people will get saved themselves because they are searching for truths that no human person can even attempt to provide. Times like these, only the creator of the universe can penetrate. So why spoil it for Him, as if we can? Live and let live and let God allow the time to come.

You'll be surprised by the stories you hear when you get to the Hollywood room in heaven. Right, that could be a far fetch, but you get the drift.

j.t.

Point of View

Depending on where you choose to stand, you perceive it differently. Whatever it may be, as long as you are on the journey heading north in search of truth and joy. What better way to do so than to invest in the lives of many others. For as the scripture implies and reveals - only two things hold past the fire; the word of God and the souls of men.

A quote came up on the white screen today at the conference that said something to the effect of, "A man is only as tall as when he kneels down to help a child". I didn't quite catch the origin of the spoken truth but the visuals brought me absolutely to tears. I guess we each have to find that deep coal within us that burns with the right ignition to propel us to activity. Passion and faith is only but dead if we do nothing but hide from daylight and make ourselves a comfortable bed. For so long, reaching little ones have always tugged me into the cesspool of soap opera housewives plucking tissues to the tune of The Oprah Show. I'm not ashamed to admit that I am a fan to a certain extent. Yes, I want to be one of her guests in time to come.

Learning to make small talk is such an essential currency in our new economy. Norman made a point today which made Ian & Gill nod their heads in unison. It's that small but significant truth in this christian faith that many in the comfortable church barns find it elusive. Keyword: others. One thought sums it up - be interested, not interesting. Now that outta flip you right over if you understand the diamonds that will make of you.

Cos a diamond ... is born today.

j.t.

Fall of Rome

Since the fall of Rome, I have been searching and hungry for that piece of flesh that pervades even my sense of logic. Power to the mind, but the opening of the heart's wounds have opened another Pandora's box closed for years. My lips are burning with soretightness and my blisters on the inside are annoying the hell out of me so much so that I made reference to some feline dog on heat just last night after the long night out.

I am pissed at this moment with the crazy people in my life. This time I don't seem to have too much choices in running. I am afraid to wind up insane nonetheless. God, can you tell me why this is taking so long?

Perfection is the art of fireplay, or so it seems. Numb is the deed of sense and death seems to be the tune of the silly women looking for love in all the wrong arms. I want to erase the memory so I can lose the pain.

j.t.