When The Dust Settles

I have been refusing to take part in the contest that is known as canvassing dirty linen. In truth I have been just plain stubborn and old. Yes, old.

But nothing's quite different from the last 10 years. The dreams and hopes and that anxiety droning like beer swaggering mudhalfwits. I am not too different and not that alone after all.

I hate Christmas. There, it's out. It's been hiding in my closet for years and years, since the first christmas when santa forgot to place his gifts into the socks we (my brothers and I) hung on our study table. Through disappointing years of christmas erased altogether with the call of duty to serve out the hungry church goers on christmas morning. It should shock me that hospitality lives next door to my rice bowl. I hated christmas mornings. Cos I had none to share in them. By the time I had wings, it was too late, as the dust had settled and the pews in church cold once again. I can't even remember to count the missed buses and boats that drew envy and a hope for a better year next. So that seed's been embedded in me, so some can find the right to sue me and my irrational choices.

Somehow I am close to hating my life so far. So far, I have resisted letting go from those 17 floors.

So where was I this year? Again, left outside to watch the warm shadows mowing about in front of the fire place, exchanging boxes of sweet nothings and useless formalities. I wish my parents spoke my language. I wish my Dad knew how to express love and affection. I wish my mum wasn't always the victim. I wish I wasn't the ignored kid who spoke well in school. I wish I was my neighbour who could leave for my 10 years late change. But I wouldn't be who I am would I?

Phone's been dead for days. Attention came a little too, yes, late again, how could you ever blame me for being late when it's been that stupid theme knocked up good. Give me my dues or I'll make you pay. Either finish me off or don't even try. I will make it up to you, as much as it will do to me.

24 hours, 2004. I'm losing my mind, I think you're right.

Glitter for Christmas

Here's a record setter. I hate glitter. Someone put glitter into my mail box and I freaked out. Why? Glitter sticks to you like an everlong indian summer. What was the guy thinking when he invented it? Stupid barbie girls! That's what.

Anyway, tonight was a good start in the middle of the yarra with fireworks shower bringing the apparent cheer of christmas once again. I was on board the Yarra Empress, courtesy of Marubeni Australia. Three years in a row, now familiar faces like long time relatives over chinese new year. Even though these guys never really boogied, they loved every piece of music and kept coming back for more.The japanese are such wonderful folks. The one event of the year that I look forward to.

I wonder what the plan is for next year. I have ideas of a hot air balloon.

Anyways, if I don't before, Merry Christmas.

cjt

Heavy Handed Love Commitment

Last night was a beautiful one. However, one thing disappointed me and this heart felt rejected and disturbed at the one person who mattered the most in the equation. I am praying for divine intervention and the move of the heart. It's really timely that I am learning about faith, hope and love - how it can move and set free the dark clouds that hang over some.

Sadly, this new setting does cause some complication. At the same time, I am praying that I will not lose credibility with the continuous mistakes I seem to stumble upon again and again. I need absolute covering, boldness, wisdom to act in holiness and stand my firm ground for I should well know that this is the holy ground upon which I stand.

Lord, I need you this very hour. Open eyes that need to see, open hearts that need to receive to give, open the flood gates of heaven so light can shine to shudder away the scuttering mice and little men.

This week will be a good week with a new change and a new anointing. I know I am victorious and I have conquered. Let me live and quickly solve the ugly mess I'm in.

cjt