When The Dust Settles

I have been refusing to take part in the contest that is known as canvassing dirty linen. In truth I have been just plain stubborn and old. Yes, old.

But nothing's quite different from the last 10 years. The dreams and hopes and that anxiety droning like beer swaggering mudhalfwits. I am not too different and not that alone after all.

I hate Christmas. There, it's out. It's been hiding in my closet for years and years, since the first christmas when santa forgot to place his gifts into the socks we (my brothers and I) hung on our study table. Through disappointing years of christmas erased altogether with the call of duty to serve out the hungry church goers on christmas morning. It should shock me that hospitality lives next door to my rice bowl. I hated christmas mornings. Cos I had none to share in them. By the time I had wings, it was too late, as the dust had settled and the pews in church cold once again. I can't even remember to count the missed buses and boats that drew envy and a hope for a better year next. So that seed's been embedded in me, so some can find the right to sue me and my irrational choices.

Somehow I am close to hating my life so far. So far, I have resisted letting go from those 17 floors.

So where was I this year? Again, left outside to watch the warm shadows mowing about in front of the fire place, exchanging boxes of sweet nothings and useless formalities. I wish my parents spoke my language. I wish my Dad knew how to express love and affection. I wish my mum wasn't always the victim. I wish I wasn't the ignored kid who spoke well in school. I wish I was my neighbour who could leave for my 10 years late change. But I wouldn't be who I am would I?

Phone's been dead for days. Attention came a little too, yes, late again, how could you ever blame me for being late when it's been that stupid theme knocked up good. Give me my dues or I'll make you pay. Either finish me off or don't even try. I will make it up to you, as much as it will do to me.

24 hours, 2004. I'm losing my mind, I think you're right.