Measure Up

Had a phenomenal day today. It's not everyday you get to meet and sit at the feet of a wise teacher and draw the wisdom from just her presence. This will sound almost heretic but the energy she brought to the room was amazing. She displayed the true qualities of a king and priest God has called us to.

It was nice to see Glenda Leonard again.

It was nicer to be recognized in front of her for having done the necessary steps to complete the module training set out by some of our best business mentors. To be able to have gratitude in my heart is probably the greatest blessing. To feel good about myself and to know that I have done justice to this body and image that God made me into - to be just like Him.

Steve said something's been going on with me lately like I am becoming a different person. I'm encouraged to hear that cos there's definitely something coming out of me these few weeks. Knowing that there's not much choice around, mum's teary-eyed letter, mounting debts and the recent change of heart led me to this point that made me mentally stronger. Life comes up with creative barricades and brickwalls in the face of pursuit. I can only keep getting up inch by inch and step by step move toward the light at the end of the pipeline. Even with all that blood soaking my vision, I know this is easy compared to what Lance Armstrong, Nelson Mandella and many other heroes had to go through to achieve what they dreamed.

Like I said, I am grateful to be here. Cos the pioneers have laid the foundation. The cloud of witnesses are cheering. Because they can see how easy it is now for us to move into the promised land. It's about touching heaven, changing lives. It's about the beautiful legacy that will chain into a movie reaction that came from one flick of the switch - the switch called dreams.

So dream and let not the theives rob the precious ring that bind the cords and peaceful nights. Run, forest, run. For we have to stretch one more time, just that little more to see them come home.

Moving Images

Sat through Lantana for the first time as it was broadcast on channel 9. Didn't give much room to the movie when it first came out receiving raving reviews. Must say that I was deeply impressed and captured by the scriptwriting. Very simple use of devices to draw the audience in with the characters. Devices we learnt through film class those summer days ago. It all came too familiar to see how easily they were used, yet effective to bring out the part.

The actors were quality as well. Anthony Lapaglia, Vince Colossimo and the rock solid Geoffrey Rush. And there was that guy from Stingers (Peter Phelps) playing a gay guy entangled in a relationship with a married man. Which I thought was quite a brow raising choice; a subversion of his macho straight role of mr. detective.

The story revolves around four marriages and the broken relationships therein. Beautifully written script completing with the canvas of Paul Kelly's haunting soundtrack, many parts of the movie resonated with me. Perhaps having been dumped and walked away from a broken relationship recently had to do with it. Objectively saw the operation of man and woman in a relationship. Found myself asking the same sort of questions and holding the same sort of frustrated hesitation and silence the men in the movie resorted to. It's really funny when you see bits of what happened in your past relationships playing before you on national television. I guess this is supposed to help me feel better since it is a common issue everyone faces. I'm not so sure about that. Just taking a step at a time, cos I've come to this crisis in my life where I am not sure about the things I was sure about anymore.

Because the more I know, the less I learn. So for now, I am not even going to ask.

Push

Takes a while to load up the images coming up on the wall. Isn't that just how human we are? Technology has a way of drawing parallels for us.

Human emotions tend to always get in the way of the system. Structures and plans can be put in place. Logically they should happen overnight and we'll be there at the end of the said tunnel coming out victorious. But, no. We have to convince, connive and sometimes contend our way around the neck. Mostly it takes alot away from you because there's a magnetic force at work drawing, pulling and pushing you away and towards the target altogether at once. Sometimes it steals your heart and the joy of strength you've been riding on.

But push is the key. To keep pushing away at the clouds when they form to create the upstream tempo we've all been yearning for. Since there are movies to be made and songs to be prophesied, we need to take care of the important to make way for the needful. Time will tell and heal when time brings us to that place of humbling and humility. Like I alluded earlier, I will be there. Be there for the emergencies that will occur. For such is love that grows with the pain. Such is the deep call of the soul. Such is the depth of the cries, crying to be heard, crying to give away this heart so you could be more human than you are now.

So here I push through the dark alley. So tomorrow we can lunch together, over a long latte along the bay and dream about the future to pass on to the ones who will continue this race our fathers dreamt when they left their birth right for our sakes.

Swim, because a wave is rising.

For The love of mum

My heart aches this moment, again, from the past phone calls and attempted suicidal notes. Her voice was evident in the chinese inscriptions that seem to find me familiar even though they came as strangers residing at my doorstep.

I felt an irregular disturbance to the rhythm. It does bother me that when grooves are getting in line, that seems to be the perfect time for significant glitches to occur. I am tired of being a handy man, trying to fix the leaking pipe with my limbs. Why do you think I am working so hard? Cos time is running out and most of my options have been used up. I just want my freedom back again. The freedom we experienced when we were a baby. Not having to worry about balancing this life with the expectations and clauses that scream out for a piece of our flesh. Freedom - my ultimate vision, so I can live free from the bondages this world has to offer.

So what does it mean to be free? Does it mean giving others and putting them before your own desires and dreams first? Work cures fear, momentary fear unfounded on false evidence. Push me, for I will not break. Nudge me and I might move. Pierce me and I will scream. Control me and I will rise up. Contend and I will fight. Kick and I will kill.

It didn't matter that I grew up in a language foreign to my current narrative. It didn't matter that the ropes burnt with love motivated by discipline and control. It didn't matter that lies and deceit were my teachers absent from the school hall. It didn't matter that the fatherless chose to father their fatherless the way they knew not how to. It didn't matter that 29 years later man still broke in the face of woman's endless pursuit. It didn't matter that roaches formed the impartial infestation of guarded treasures. It didn't matter that now the world still does not understand the metaphors used. It doesn't matter that it does matter now.

So there it sat, the reminder in tear drenched writing. A bleeding piece of a mother's heart without the full comprehension of the future's choice. So tell me why should I give up this fight and risk losing the reputation you have been guarding so well for me all these years. Because there is nothing left to lose anymore.

j.t.

This Fundamental Faith

Ancient truth be told that there is nothing new under the sun. And indeed there isn't. Whatever the mind of man conceives today has been imprinted onto the tabernacles of truth in the boardroom of heaven.

Today, I had the fine opportunity to sit at the feet of a great philosopher, teacher and culture activist and resonate with the truth that I have been aching on for so long. I don't even know how to begin here. Simply, I am simply out of words to describe the feeling. It is one of liberation, two parts hope, and another part of passin stirring. Felt like screaming cos the head was exploding and I must say some part of my brain super-developed today.

Science versus the humanity of man versus the truth of God. Sometimes we are trapped in ancient fundamentals of pagan practices in our convictions that date back to deep roots of almost demonic undertones. I never really gave much credit to the study of christian philosophy, much less the subset itself. It intrigues and humbles me to discover that these so called air and puff are what makes us who we think we are, the convictions we hold and the mode we choose to relate to God and the universe we live in. The puzzle pieced itself together and my world came to a beautiful stand still - a sight that gave me a glimpse of heaven. It is, for lack of a better phrase, a paradigm shift in my journey as a Christian, as a covert activist and revolutionary and in my relationship with the rest of humanity created in the image of God. The dreamland I profess to envision unfolded before my eyes - cos I am living in this land I call my dream.

Having said and learnt, there's much to forgive, much to make straight, much to leave crooked, much to live and let live and much work to be done. But it's hardly work when you come to this point in time. It's a life worth living and an eternity worth dying for, except the dying part has already been said and done. So that love could be restored into the garden once again. For this, I am eternally grateful.

j.t.

Impervious Nature

I don't know what that word means but it just popped in my head.

Sometimes people should just shut up. Trying to help could be of a kind motivation but it pisses the shit out of me. I am just venting and probably don't mean any of the sick words at all. I feel like running from the ones whose hands are reaching into the tent to put things in order. I don't know why I feel this way but I do feel sick all over. An attack from the left side of my head and I am wearing thin. If I don't, how in the world would you? I am grateful for your goodwill but sometimes the battle is too personal to handle. So how come I am surrounded by pictures of forgotten lovers hanging on the wall? Please don't try to understand this madness. It takes a wise person to hold out the pain, even at the eve of execution and having no answers whatsoever at all.

Cos sometimes, the answer is not ours to bear.

j.t.

Choices

It's been two whole weeks of indugence in pain, dissapointment and sessional anger. It's beyond words what is happening right now. Only thing I feel every now and then is the souring of thne heart. So many things are happening it's like a 100 storey house crumbling upon me. Let me count them,

1. My fiance-to-be broke up with me about one month ago, and I am still dealing with it,
2. My visa refusal and application for review is pending and fear grips with more forms to fill, more costs to incur,
3. My ex-boss is chasing me up for the website which I haven't got time to work on,
4. My mum is nagging me to close some of those accounts that are accruing bank fees,
5. My loan repayments are going to start kicking in, in one month,
6. I have $250 worth of fines I haven't paid,
7. I owe my housemates rent for many months now,
8. My car is due for servicing and I need some money to do so soon cos the car is really starting to show some signs,
9. I have a backlog of unaccounted debts sitting in the collections department,
10. My room is in an ugly mess and I am putting on weight with all that cafe food I am eating to keep alive.

Life does suck right now. But still I am faced with the choice of choosing what I want to feel. I want to feel happy, joyful, on top of the world and in control. I want to be forgiving, gracious and generous. I want to be laid back, unstressed, unperturbed. I am not giving in. I don't give up. God specializes in the impossible and I specialize in believing that.

Please, Lord, I beg of You to move quickly or come quickly. There is so much I have to bear here and it is not very nice to be faced with all these bastards attacking me on all sides. I am shaken, so shaken, but in You, I stand firm. In You I have my feet planted on solid ground. I choose to be unafraid. I choose to brave this long storm together with You. I choose to believe because I heard Your voice loud and clear. So now I ask that You speak to me clearly. I am in need of You assurance. Start tonight, Lord. Let me meet You in my dreams. Let me see Your hands working. Let me see the arrow of Your direction. I may lose sleep, but Lord, please, I am on my knees, screaming out in desperation - break the curse, break the fucking curse that the world seem to see happening in my life. I am not a product of a generational curse. My life will turn around. My life will prosper. My life will be a testimony of Your abundant goodness! I choose life, I choose to live life. I choose freedom, the freedom You came to set us up with. I am truly free, because You love me.

Come quickly Lord, do not let this plot eat away the love in my heart for you.

j.t.