For The love of mum

My heart aches this moment, again, from the past phone calls and attempted suicidal notes. Her voice was evident in the chinese inscriptions that seem to find me familiar even though they came as strangers residing at my doorstep.

I felt an irregular disturbance to the rhythm. It does bother me that when grooves are getting in line, that seems to be the perfect time for significant glitches to occur. I am tired of being a handy man, trying to fix the leaking pipe with my limbs. Why do you think I am working so hard? Cos time is running out and most of my options have been used up. I just want my freedom back again. The freedom we experienced when we were a baby. Not having to worry about balancing this life with the expectations and clauses that scream out for a piece of our flesh. Freedom - my ultimate vision, so I can live free from the bondages this world has to offer.

So what does it mean to be free? Does it mean giving others and putting them before your own desires and dreams first? Work cures fear, momentary fear unfounded on false evidence. Push me, for I will not break. Nudge me and I might move. Pierce me and I will scream. Control me and I will rise up. Contend and I will fight. Kick and I will kill.

It didn't matter that I grew up in a language foreign to my current narrative. It didn't matter that the ropes burnt with love motivated by discipline and control. It didn't matter that lies and deceit were my teachers absent from the school hall. It didn't matter that the fatherless chose to father their fatherless the way they knew not how to. It didn't matter that 29 years later man still broke in the face of woman's endless pursuit. It didn't matter that roaches formed the impartial infestation of guarded treasures. It didn't matter that now the world still does not understand the metaphors used. It doesn't matter that it does matter now.

So there it sat, the reminder in tear drenched writing. A bleeding piece of a mother's heart without the full comprehension of the future's choice. So tell me why should I give up this fight and risk losing the reputation you have been guarding so well for me all these years. Because there is nothing left to lose anymore.

j.t.