Choices

It's been two whole weeks of indugence in pain, dissapointment and sessional anger. It's beyond words what is happening right now. Only thing I feel every now and then is the souring of thne heart. So many things are happening it's like a 100 storey house crumbling upon me. Let me count them,

1. My fiance-to-be broke up with me about one month ago, and I am still dealing with it,
2. My visa refusal and application for review is pending and fear grips with more forms to fill, more costs to incur,
3. My ex-boss is chasing me up for the website which I haven't got time to work on,
4. My mum is nagging me to close some of those accounts that are accruing bank fees,
5. My loan repayments are going to start kicking in, in one month,
6. I have $250 worth of fines I haven't paid,
7. I owe my housemates rent for many months now,
8. My car is due for servicing and I need some money to do so soon cos the car is really starting to show some signs,
9. I have a backlog of unaccounted debts sitting in the collections department,
10. My room is in an ugly mess and I am putting on weight with all that cafe food I am eating to keep alive.

Life does suck right now. But still I am faced with the choice of choosing what I want to feel. I want to feel happy, joyful, on top of the world and in control. I want to be forgiving, gracious and generous. I want to be laid back, unstressed, unperturbed. I am not giving in. I don't give up. God specializes in the impossible and I specialize in believing that.

Please, Lord, I beg of You to move quickly or come quickly. There is so much I have to bear here and it is not very nice to be faced with all these bastards attacking me on all sides. I am shaken, so shaken, but in You, I stand firm. In You I have my feet planted on solid ground. I choose to be unafraid. I choose to brave this long storm together with You. I choose to believe because I heard Your voice loud and clear. So now I ask that You speak to me clearly. I am in need of You assurance. Start tonight, Lord. Let me meet You in my dreams. Let me see Your hands working. Let me see the arrow of Your direction. I may lose sleep, but Lord, please, I am on my knees, screaming out in desperation - break the curse, break the fucking curse that the world seem to see happening in my life. I am not a product of a generational curse. My life will turn around. My life will prosper. My life will be a testimony of Your abundant goodness! I choose life, I choose to live life. I choose freedom, the freedom You came to set us up with. I am truly free, because You love me.

Come quickly Lord, do not let this plot eat away the love in my heart for you.

j.t.