Clarity

Last night was one of the most painful nights. The night where thoughts of suicide and anger at God was at their critical mass. You know it's something when you have no voice to scream, pray or even cry. Just a quiet simmer within with visions of violent outbursts. God, are you still the good Dad everyone gives you credit for?

Shawn held me as he prayed with me. Tears just rolled uncontrollably as Shawn cried out to God on my behalf - cries that I could not hear myself praying, screams within that just go muted because it is so damn painful.

As he prayed, I had a sort of vision in my head of Abraham - like I am about to sacrifice the only son God gave to me. The pain of a father's sacrifice was just too much. And I cried hard. So hard that I was still trembling when I went to bed, tired out by the emotions that let loose.

Today is a new day. A new day of action. A new day of seeking. A new direction in what seems distant a foreign to me. Problems to solve and systems to work around.

As I woke this morning, I had a strong sense of gratitude. One year ago, I was such a hermit, no one knew who I was even though there was church and community. I was unplugged and unpowered. As the first rays of sunlight peeked into my still small room, my heart was calmed knowing that God has been good - nudging me to a community that believes in crying with you, dying with you, living with you, holding every aspect of your dreams and hopes with you. I know the trust and love I am experiencing here is not plastic. It's real people who have walked the real hard pathways who are choosing to walk alongside and give.

Community. I thank God for community.