Shrill in the air

There's a tiny but audibly loud hiss in the air in my room. Which is why this post comes up at half past one in the morning. It's like my senses heightened to that of a dog's ears and I could hear that invisible sharp screech in the room. It's as if I am hearing the high pitches produced by every electricity cable or spinning machinery slowing down from recent activity in the room. Then there's that rhythmic hum from the dryer going at a tempo of approximately 95. Which has just stopped counting 3 seconds ago. Now my PB HD is spinning so loud I can hardly hear that pitch I stayed awake on. We'll see when I finish attempting to drown out my senses with the noise from this HD.

Had a phenomenal time at the workshop working on Jo's tunes. When a few rock heads get going, some major damage gets done. Now that musical is going somewhere to the ghetto. Great move with great minds. This is on the brink of explosion and I am not just a spectator.

Feelings are such a strong part of being human. Sometimes I want to just give in to all devices and vices there is to get away from having to face the noise and pressure ahead. Even knowing that there isn't much antidote on the end of the rope doesn't help. But there's the dire consequences of complication that I know I won't want to live without that drives me to work and stay on the course. It's funny how I find myself being driven by the things I fear - avoidance of pain rather than pursuit of passion. Somedays that pursuit, even of holiness, doesn't cut the cake. And God can use our insecurities to move us up to a greater level of trust and strength and faith so we can move bigger mountains ahead.

I haven't been sleeping much at the switch for a few months now. But somedays I wish my switch could be turned off so I can reliquish my human program of worry and anxiety - two of the worst emotional catalysts. I hate it and I am doing everything to eliminate it.

Irony that I am at this place where fitting in is probably the least important thing amidst my uncertain residency. Guess that is the fine line between security and surrender. That line is that elusive concept of faith. So how can I pray and asked to be blessed with faith when it is something that we grow with and grow upon and act on? It's like trying to drink a beef steak sandwich.

nuff.