Habitation

Met conglomerates through flashy colours in the weeks that passed. The mind is a powerful faculty we have been created with. As commanded in the genesis of creation - to become kings and priests. To be kings of our own faculty to command the army of these millions of cells to move in the same direction - that is a spiritual move. To be stewards of our own gift of choice and talents as documented in the gospel parables of Jesus, Nazareth.

Complete surrender can sometimes be a move of the flesh. A move that reeks of sloth, disbelief and lack of faith. I think surrender is only appropriate when things are out of our jurisdiction, outside of our zone of control and way out of league. Then, that's the part where we lay them down at the feet of the cross = issues such as salvation of our loved ones, decisions people are making in the process that will affect us and situations such as a person's recovery from sin, habits and hazards such as the terminally ill gotten gains. But even that last one do require wisdom and prevention through, back to the idea of good stewardship to solve the problems.

The point of this is - do your best with your God given powers and trust Him for the rest of the results. This life of faith is one of partnership. A hand held deal with the Almighty God to work out the journey of which our conversion brought us on. Salvation is not a one shot deal, one pin prick heal, nor is faith the end point of our search for truth. It is the beginning - the start of the right road map of faith. And faith is only alive when you step out, put your hands to the plough, get down and dirty and risk falliing, failing and losing and then some along the way.

And I guess that is the human story in the light of God's mystery. The joy that He gives back to us, so we can make movies about them and tell our story to multiply the faith into yet others who will start the journey in a hundred years to come.

So, don't lay your sword down so quickly.

j.t.

Reprise 1.0

Those few days in the aftermath got me searching and weighing. That afternoon with Tim was insightful in the fact that there was a definite installation of action in the direction. Networking never felt so right. Some of the gnawing questions of christian dichotomy were answered, in part with the conversation with Saz the night before and then the conclusive drive back to JRophe. Kings and priests we are called to be from the genesis of creation fell prey to the bubs of new living beings learning to trust God completely with their daily milk. God has called us to rule the earth and watch over it - the theology of stewardship. Yet, learning to trust God could span passive aggressive to aggressive active. The latter is where I am right now. Striving, knowing the power has been infused in me. Running, knowing that the wisdom of God is residing in my heart in the form of the Holy Spirit. Surrendering is an easy part of the journey. At least, in my case, getting outside of the skin to make things happen in the mark of practicing good stewardship in the light of His provision sometimes scares me to death.

Later in the week, my Uncle's entire family arrived on Melburnian shores, bringing with them all the indiosyncrysies of synthetic postmarked asian culture from that little red dot on the equator. The first night out with them was quite a culture shift - back to the days when we had long family dinner gatherings at the corner of the coffee shop reserved for our clan; questions of marriage, national identity, future bliss and filial piety. Mostly we had a laugh with a Heineken in our hands. In the past day, a sense of warm love and kinship arrived between us. We met for lunch, shopping at DFO, checking out prices at Kitchen World, esprit and more kitchen world and an introductory short course on the different types of coffee in Melbourne and what went into it. They loved the cap mostly for its choc shavings. Aunt & Unc decided to pay for every part of my spending starting from lunch, everything from the kitchen mortar to the business shirts. For the one nephew they haven't seen in 2 years. I realised at that point that I was with my kin, my blood, my extended family, bringing the aroma of home to this cold winter day.

Revelation of the most High is the utmost. He revealed the truth to the relevant people and now I have my reprieve. So now I can rest my spirit and soul and do the things that I need to do.

"at the feet of the holy"
j.t.

Failing Forward

One thing that stuck to my head since last night was what the speaker said about falling and getting up too quickly to move on. There are a percentage of people who tend to do that in reflex and admittedly I am one of them at this point in time.

I was angry, upset and just plain pissed off so much that I wanted to just move on. Didn't allow myself sometime to think things through. So, last night, I sat on my bed and asked God to show me what I need to pick up with me when I stay down here. Woke up in the morning with many questions and some of them bordering on doubts. Have so many conflicting values entering on all sides and it is unnerving. I now need to seek counsel desperately for various perspectives and see where they all fit in the scheme of God's world view.

There's an avalanche of them and I am feeling quite overwhelmed.

j.t.

Home

Spent some time reading "Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2" - a book I have had in my collection for a long time. Not terribly easy to read, not that it is bad writing, but with a master eye almost always half closed all the time, it is a stretch and strain to consume the gem in one sitting.

The smack on the head has progressed pretty well into a red swell that reeks of fight club aftermath. So far, the eye cream and zambuk are the only two external medication I can get hold of. We'll have to see how that proves by tomorrow. Got an important seminar tomorrow so I sure don't want to look beat up.

Back to the book, which, has been insightful enough to make me stop and wonder why it took me so long to even open its leaves. What a meal so far. I intend to finish it quickly cos I can't wait to download the files into my system and see what I can do with this new knowledge. Ah, the fetish of quest.

So, now, I am actually listening to the new "best of" and "all that you can't leave behind" albums. On iTunes which has the nifty auto crossfade.

j.t.

Smack on the head

Received a hard slam on the right eye this evening. Somehow the invisible glass door was swinging in my direction and I managed to walk right into it. A little lower and I would have had my eye squashed. A little mistake could have had my glasses smashed, except the contacts were on, so...

Feeling the dodging vision on the right eye now. The bump has become a swell and is blocking part of my vision. Is this some sign or am I being paranoid? Or do I have to be so intense to want to find out why everything has to happen for a reason however spiritual it could be? Or this could be just an accident, I was lost in my thoughts, distracted and walked right into the glass. I'm confusing me.

Made a big step today. After dinner, made the unsayable said and sealed shut the door. Put an end to this long drawn episode and drove out the nonsense I have been putting up with. But why do I feel an immense depth of enigma right now?

j.t.

More movement

Had many hours to think things through this day. Funny how when you work a day job, you seem to have a lot more headspace to think things through.

Realised that the love magnitude was of a selfish one. It was self serving in all honesty to me. I seem to be an object of giving, constantly to a face that writes, "What about me?" - all the time. It's the same look that turns me completely off. Something that I don't quite know how to deal with.

Question is, how could someone love rightly so but in actuality be in want of being fed the self serving needs? How does it add up to a love that gives and grows with you through the years? As much as I want to believe it was a move of the spirit, therein lies a deep motivation of the flesh.

I woke up with a steely attitude to seize the day. Actually for the first time in my new job, I actually arrived on time. They say a man changes after a heart attack. I guess this is my crisis aftermath.

Thing is, I never want to see that person again. Ever. If I could erase that out of my mind completely, I would. But I guess I won't cos I need those memories and that one last Sunday afternoon out in the woods to remind me why I have made the decision to never turn back.

Is this me reinventing myself again? No, actually, I am reinventing myself for the first time. That last attempt kinda fell prey to my old habits. This time round, the reinvention will be a lot more deliberate. A lot more complete. So I won't be recognized ever again. This is what the push led me to. How ironic.

j.t.

A New Life

Tonight I felt as if I have been given a clean slate. It's the arsehole of me that's driving down the miles, throwing the photos and the things that seemed to have a future, out of the pack completely. Somehow I feel pretty liberated. I have decided to pack my things and move on. It's no point staying stale in the moment and hope the cold will numb things out. It's better to move and I have to move to feel alive.

That old former is gone for now and I am residing over at this end. Hopefully no one sees this and no one comes close to cutting the grass. Cos this is my lawn, so now fukin stay off it.

I am so angry, in fact I think I am destructive.

j.t.