Digging

Spent a whole hour in the room digging through piles of junk paper. I've discovered something about me. I've inherited my granddad's ability to store the useless. And I mean almost everything. There's so much garbage which is why it took me so long to find one document. Discipline is such an important aspect. Here's a small analogy...

Health: If you don't discipline your eating habits, you put on weight on the mid section and you find you have to start dieting. And in today's dieting regime, it is a very expensive affair. What with all the protein rich programs as well as the gym memberships to psych you towards squeezing into some old size 1 jeans.

Finance: Bank fees are a norma here in australia. Missing payments with direct debit and the like can cost you more than you know. Like I just realised I've spent close to the price of an ipod just in late fees!

Dishes: How many times have you told yourself it's ok to leave the dishes till there are a few so you could wash them all in one go? Before you know it, you can't even find a teaspoon to make milo with cos they are buried in a surprisingly big piles of dirty pots and plates. How interesting that doing the dishes becomes such a chore, cos you end up spending a whole hour each week compared to 5 mins a day. I'm glad I have some pretty strict housemates =)

Saying that I have to is just plain stupid. Cos it never gets done. But I will do it. Funny that we humans take 3 days to form a new habit but need 21 days to reverse it. Time to form new GOOD habits. Like starting with a filing system...

In other news, I am selling my G3 and quite possibly long term renting a new G4 powerbook with ambient light sensors. Groove is in the house!

Up All Night

For some reason I have some new found strength to be wide awake till 4 even though I have to turn up at work in about 5 hours. Been tossing up the desires of my heart. Do I really need what I have been searching for? Does God really want me to have it. And if he does, where's the abundance door key?

Somehow immediate gratification of a balance between passion and freedom to express seems to be an elusion. I get real pissed off and frustrated sometimes because the sugery is taking well too damn long.

But at least I'm here now. What's a few more glitches eh? Funny I should say that.

There's some grudge that needs to come out in the format of a song. Jo managed to dig into the deeper and I realised how much there is to lay out on the table and create the mess I made once again. So to you 4 people for the past 4 years, I'm going back to learn the mistakes I chose for you once again. If I hold out the faith, you'll receive the single pretty soon.

cjt

Perfect Remedy

me [2:01 PM]:
hey dude!

Stefan [2:02 PM]:
YOOOOOOOOOO!

me [2:02 PM]:
where are you now?

Stefan [2:03 PM]:
on a chair

me [2:04 PM]:
i see. what sort of chair is that????

Stefan [2:05 PM]:
a nice one?

me [2:05 PM]:
*pause* where is the chair?

Stefan [2:06 PM]:
on the floor.

Stefan [2:06 PM]:
;-)

me [2:06 PM]:
where is the floor?

Stefan [2:07 PM]:
under the chair.

me [2:07 PM]:
u idiot

...

Shrill in the air

There's a tiny but audibly loud hiss in the air in my room. Which is why this post comes up at half past one in the morning. It's like my senses heightened to that of a dog's ears and I could hear that invisible sharp screech in the room. It's as if I am hearing the high pitches produced by every electricity cable or spinning machinery slowing down from recent activity in the room. Then there's that rhythmic hum from the dryer going at a tempo of approximately 95. Which has just stopped counting 3 seconds ago. Now my PB HD is spinning so loud I can hardly hear that pitch I stayed awake on. We'll see when I finish attempting to drown out my senses with the noise from this HD.

Had a phenomenal time at the workshop working on Jo's tunes. When a few rock heads get going, some major damage gets done. Now that musical is going somewhere to the ghetto. Great move with great minds. This is on the brink of explosion and I am not just a spectator.

Feelings are such a strong part of being human. Sometimes I want to just give in to all devices and vices there is to get away from having to face the noise and pressure ahead. Even knowing that there isn't much antidote on the end of the rope doesn't help. But there's the dire consequences of complication that I know I won't want to live without that drives me to work and stay on the course. It's funny how I find myself being driven by the things I fear - avoidance of pain rather than pursuit of passion. Somedays that pursuit, even of holiness, doesn't cut the cake. And God can use our insecurities to move us up to a greater level of trust and strength and faith so we can move bigger mountains ahead.

I haven't been sleeping much at the switch for a few months now. But somedays I wish my switch could be turned off so I can reliquish my human program of worry and anxiety - two of the worst emotional catalysts. I hate it and I am doing everything to eliminate it.

Irony that I am at this place where fitting in is probably the least important thing amidst my uncertain residency. Guess that is the fine line between security and surrender. That line is that elusive concept of faith. So how can I pray and asked to be blessed with faith when it is something that we grow with and grow upon and act on? It's like trying to drink a beef steak sandwich.

nuff.

Up and down the winding long road

For someday this might turn into a legend
For this might be our children's hollywood picture
For their stories might be our actual events
So don't throw up your hands too easily

We might be fools for a season
We might look through the eyes of prostitution
We might get close to the edge
But don't toss out the pages too quickly

Up and down the winding long road
Keep our vision clear, keep 'em clean
Up and down the ladder of snakes and bones
We might find some saving grace

So we should find it worth the fight
So we should work it out, so we could live this loud
So the anthem would breathe
The fire and the sword to make us lord of lords.

Count the pebbles in your parties
Count them full of flogged out clean slates
Count on me, your dinner for a one night stand
I'm in it for the long road, will you come with me

So, up and down the winding long long road to nowhere it seems
Lord, keep our vision clear, yeah, yet so clean
Up and down our ladder of snakes and dancing dry bones
We might find that saving grace we've been crying for...

We might be fools for the season
Might be the laughable tunes for hollywood
The stories might not match up for the good change
But don't rip it out, love's coming home soon.

Bite

There was no wind but only a heavy downpour. Outside it must be so cold. Indoors, the cold seems to gnaw away at the joints and leave bite marks on your exposed skin. Shawn just came through the door and announced it is 5 out there.

It's nice and quiet now. Only the running shower hissing across the wafer thin walls. It is after all past midnight. The only time where all of us are in the house at the same time.

Been struggling. Never knew i could come to this point where I tread upon my fears once again. It is unnerving. What I faced in the past month is now a new game again. Or does it have to be? Maybe it's just one of those jedi mind tricks. But once I got into it, things started to part and looked a whole lot more fun and easy again. It's like learning to walk into a chinese herbal store to buy foreign sounding plant extract your mum wanted to pick up. I remember it took me a whole hour to buy just one small packet of whatchamightcallit from the store just down the block. Spent most of my time pacing up and down in front of the store, looking in to see if it was the right time to walk in - procrastination started at a tender age. Due to some form of fear founded on nothing but presumptions of the scary adults laughing at your ignorance. I need to just stop lingering in the thought process and get the ball kicking and rolling.

It's like, before you know it, you've spent the last ten years pondering over deciding on the right moment to jump into the pool. The time is now. Now is the time to jump and take the first bite before anyone else figure you out. This life is so full of adventure and I'm going to savour every minute of it.